On being ghosted.....in your own home

Ghosting hurts in the dating world. But what happens when your own kid ghosts you in your home? What if your child or teen just stops communicating with you and lives in his or her reality, at home, but stops acknowledging your existence or that they need you?

First, we have to take a look at whether or not the withdrawal from the family system is developmentally appropriate. Teenagers do prefer to hide in their rooms during this stage of life preferring the company of friends and acquaintances over family. But what if the hibernating is more than teenage angst? What if we exhaust all of our attempts to normalize the withdrawal and have to look at the behavior through an attachment lens because the ghosting is to the extreme of only wanting shelter from you? This blog will focus on ghosting through the attachment or Developmental Trauma lens.

Urban Dictionary states that ghosting is

"The act of ceasing all communication with someone......This is done with the hopes that the 'ghostee' will get the hint and leave the subject alone, as opposed to telling the subject he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills."

The definition continues to explain that the ghoster will attempt to justify the ghosting as a way to avoid hurting the ghostee's feelings, but ghosting is really the perception of the ghoster only thinking of themselves instead of being empathetic to the ghostee's feelings. Being ghosted is painful because rejection 'activates the same pathways in the brain as physical pain,' according to Psychology Today. I have found that ghosting is the big bad of giving the silent treatment; and, Psychology Today agrees. Getting the cold shoulder is the worst and best way to gaslight someone into feeling confused about themselves or their own motives of wanting a relationship. And, as a therapist, the quietest person in the room or session is the one who holds the most power. That silence can be a great obstacle when trying to help someone to gain greater insight into their personal pain. Over the years, I have experienced this silence in session from a few kids and have found it to be sad for them because they are not willing or unable to process emotional pain in a productive manner. Instead, they fall into a default behavior of alienating parents, siblings, and helpers.

What I have learned from ghosters is that ghosting can be for very specific reasons or across the board 24/7 at the whim of the ghoster. For example, sometimes ghosting occurs only during therapy or only about taking accountability for poor choices or physical aggression. These kids will talk about anyone or anything else except for their hurtful choices. Ghosting can also be about cutting out mom, in order to punish her for a perceived slight, but communicating with the rest of the family in a light and joyful manner. These kids will smile if mom's pain from the ghosting is made evident. The other thing I have learned is that the ghoster will stop the behavior as soon as it no longer benefits him/her. I have seen ghosting end when the entire family decides to go for ice cream and the kid decides they can be a part of the family for that trip. On the flip side, I have seen ghosting continue even when the child gets his/her way on an issue or gets the trinket that they were denied. Regardless of the stated reason for the ghosting, it usually has to do with the original rupture of attachment from birth mom.

While ghosting can be a quiet way to avoid a relationship with mom, it is extremely destructive. The child does not gain the ability to navigate conflict within an intimate relationship; they believe the relationship must end. He/she does not learn how to apologize or how to accept an apology. Learning about moving on from a hurtful event does not occur. They continue to believe that love is a light switch. Love is not 'on' or 'off.' We can juggle many conflicting emotions and thoughts about someone we love deeply; even resent that we still love someone who hurt our feelings. And that it is ok to still love that person because love is not an all or nothing action. And, most sadly, they continue to stay active in the attachment rupture cycle they have been taught before they met you.

I wish that I had a helpful intervention to pass on to parents on how to help your child or teen to stop the ghosting, but I do not. The important thing to know is that the original rupture of attachment is not your fault. The important thing to learn is to understand the ghosting will stop as soon as it does not benefit the ghoster, which is confusing because ghosting you is not beneficial for the kid. They are actually confused about why they are ghosting because their timeline and perception is a murky mess. If it is about the original rupture of attachment, then what does ghosting have to do with today? It does not have anything to do with today. It has to do with the loss of birth mom and the fear of losing you.

Are there ways to interrupt or dissuade the ghosting? Sometimes. The family who stopped at Dairy Queen really only wanted to get ice cream because the session they invested all of their energy in that day felt quietly scathing. Their kid decided to stop ghosting for a sundae. Other kids will stop ghosting if it is not challenged; meaning that the family continues as if the child is participating as a part of the family. In this situation, if the child quietly joins in, then allow that to happen without fanfare or confrontation of the ghosting. The processing about the ghosting can happen in therapy. And others will stop ghosting if they see it is benefiting the person, most likely mom, who is the target of the abuse. For example, not talking to mom has helped the family's oxygen bill from being so high this month. Again, if the ghosting is stopping, then allow it to stop without notice. We can talk about the reasons and feelings in the session.

Kids who engage in giving the cold shoulder really do not know how to resolve conflict because the original rejection conflict was not solved for them. They continue to invite or practice the ghosting to gain mastery of the original attachment rupture or rejection through inviting you into that destructive dance. Understanding the trauma helps us to be better at managing our own feelings about the ghosting and, hopefully, to gain some empathy for our ghosters. If you need more help, then contact me.