What about forgiveness? Part 1

Forgiveness is popular in society as we find the concept in movies, books, and music. Someone hurts you, for example, and the way to heal is to forgive that person and to then resume the relationship or move on with life. By the way, this blog post may be offensive to some and a relief to others.

At times parents or kids will ask me about forgiveness which is why I have decided to shake off the pandemic dusties because it has been a popular question of late. It is a popular misconception that people come to therapy to vent, get advice, then forgive someone, and life becomes happily ever after. To err is human, to forgive is divine, right? *As one of my long ago kids stated when they 'graduated' from therapy, "So this is it? I still remember everything that happened and it never goes away? I just have to live with it and cope the best that I can? That's f#$% up." We had a good laugh after their statement and continued the conversation. Other issues like not identifying with the trauma, not blaming the self for choices made during the trauma, living embodied, and definitely understanding that forgiveness does not need to happen for healing were all revisited before the end of that last session.

To understand forgiveness, we have to understand what is not forgiveness. Forgiveness does not erase or wipe the slate clean of transgressions against the victim. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened that was malevolent or hurtful. And forgiveness definitely is not an obligation to resume a relationship with the person who was hurtful. In society there can be pressure for victims to forgive a transgressor. This pressure can be from well meaning friends and/or family of the victim because bearing witness to how a trauma has effected a victim can be painful. Other pressures may be from the transgressor themselves which really means, "Please let me continue to hurt you because my ego desires it." These pressures are not for true forgiveness but requests for submission. Forgiveness is complex and for the self, not for others.

In "The Doormat Effect: When Forgiveness Erodes Self-Respect and Self-Concept Clarity," [J Pers Soc. Psychol 2010 Jul;99(1):119], Luchies, Finkel, McNulty, and Kumashiro conducted four longitudinal studies about forgiveness within different types of relationships. Forgiveness can work very well if two conditions are met. The first condition is if the transgression is measured to be of a low level of abuse and not a consistent abusive pattern from the transgressor. An apology from the offender still has to be genuine and it is up to the victim to accept that apology or not. The second instance is if the transgressor shows or signals that they value the victim's sense of self respect and safety. Because abuse occurs in a relationship, so does forgiveness. If the victim submits to forgiving in order to placate the offender from future abuse, then the victim's self respect and self concept begins to erode in what is called the Doormat Effect. In other words, for forgiveness to be healthy and healing the offender needs to visibly treasure the forgiveness given by the victim or the victim will continue to suffer decreasing self esteem and self respect by forgiving through submission. With our Developmentally Traumatized kids, it is kind of easy to see why they have such a hard time apologizing.

As we know, Developmental Trauma is the daily layering on of trauma during childhood by the hands of the primary caregivers/parents. The repetitive and consistent nature of these traumas becomes the baseline of dysfunction within the family. In these types of families respect and sense of self are not even themes for children. The narratives kids tell me are not the first times of any type of abuse. They cannot pick one because they are all melded into one tangle of abuse. *If I hear of a story that a child's shoulder was dislocated and collar bone was broken by a cocaine impaired father, then I know that this was not the first time this kid was abused. This is just what happens on a Tuesday night after school. In view of "The Doormat Effect" this example was not a narrative of a single episode of low level abuse. For this biological family, the parents routinely physically assaulted the children. It was a constant activity in the house. This child was being physically assaulted into submitting an apology that they refused to give: "I knew if I said I was sorry that it would feel like I was standing on my own tongue because I didn't do anything wrong. So I wouldn't say it and I got beat up." It was clear that this child understood that if they did apologize, then they would feel much shame for submitting and that the apology would not be treasured because this child was not treasured.

Let's understand what forgiveness is not before we jump into healing our Developmentally Traumatized kids. Their relationship with the self has to be nurtured and developed first before we think about forgiveness.

***All identifying information of clients has been changed. Permission was given for this therapist to be used in discussion and blog posts.