Don't tell me what to do....
I have a love/hate relationship with my GPS. It nags me to turn left or right, when to merge, and keeps me in suspense with its long pauses followed by a demand to change direction. Sometimes my GPS gives me the worst directions, which costs me time and sanity, because I would have never chosen that route. When I turn off its constant notifications, it decides to become passive aggressive by not telling me about my important turns. GAAAAA! It has all of the control! Why do I get so defensive over a piece of technology? Why have I humanized a software interface that has stored maps of the country? Why does my GPS make me feel so...wrong?
Okay, rant over about my GPS metaphor. What I am really talking about is how to parent a child or teen who appears to be just plain willful or stubborn. Many times the issue of defensiveness takes front and center stage during a session. Parents have reported they have tried everything and cannot seem to persuade their child or teen to work with them or to see the win-win strategies offered. In order to reduce defensiveness, we have to see this reactive behavior for its true nature so that we do not waste time chasing only a symptom of a bigger and more complex issue.
An article written by James M. Richardson in 1990 titled "Defensive Barriers to Communication", describes defensiveness as "...often a reflection of insecurity in individuals. It tends to distort questions into accusations and responses into justifications." I have seen a range of defensive behaviors from kids during sessions in response to misinterpreting information from parents or myself. I have felt that defensiveness is being hypersensitive to a perceived criticism or judgement. The thinking errors feeding the hypersensitivity justify reactive behavior ranging from accusing and projecting to verbal or physical aggressiveness in order to stop the conversation so that the fragile ego is protected. As I am witnessing these behaviors the first question that pops up for me is "What are they hiding?" Sometimes it is a secret. Other times defensive behaviors are used to protect a fragile self image created for the purpose of denying what the pain of past trauma has taught them. Kids tell me all the time that they want to be seen as 'normal' or without the long term effects of the trauma. They do not understand that they are normal for what they went through and it is okay to accept themselves as they are.
Being hypersensitive is a symptom of the more complex issue of Developmental Trauma which occurs between birth and 3 years old by the primary caregiver. Wounding from Developmental Trauma can be felt as so painfully disconcerting that a person would be enticed to create a perfected image of themselves only to cover up the hole never to be filled with what was lost in the first place. What is left in the hole is insecurity, fear of rejection and negative assumptions about the self to name just a few. If your child has struggled with the concept of developing a sense of self, then the trauma they had experienced could be confused for their identity. Keep in mind all that they have lost while and after the trauma: who they were supposed to be, their birth family, culture, a sense of safety and contentment because all of that has been replaced by what their young brains had experienced. And young brains are built to learn from their environment.
Defensiveness and denial are ways in which to cover up the pain in order to look "normal." Kids want to appear to be normal to gain acceptance from family and to attract friends. They feel that defensiveness is one way to hide all of that pain. They feel that they are "sticking up for myself" or "taking a stand" for something in the present that has nothing to do with being in the moment but is an echo of the past. Making a mistake can be a trigger or an echo of the message "You never were good enough and never will be" and can be a starting point of a big tantrum or destructive behavior which does not feel good either.
So, then, how do we soften these painfully jagged edges? I like the concept of radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is a skill that needs to be practiced; it does not happen all at once. There is a saying: "Suffering is optional; pain is not." Helping a kid to understand that phrase is very important in the therapeutic process. A defensive posture actually helps a person to avoid accepting the truth. The thinking error of defensiveness is if you accept the truth then you are agreeing that you deserve the pain. If that were true, then we would all be a lot more avoidant! A lot of adoptees I work with believe that they did something wrong and they were cause of being separated from their birth mothers. But, before the statement of this inaccurate belief, there is a lot of defensive behaviors and destruction of important relationships to avoid the pain of the truth of the rupture in attachment. Or, a lot of suffering. When we can help kids to accept the pain of the separation, then we can start the healing.
Back to my GPS metaphor since this was a heavy topic. I appreciate my GPS for 'recalculating' when I do not take her advice or when I miss a turn. She takes the suffering out of my incorrect decision so I feel less like a dummy on the road.