Supporting the Vicariously Traumatized
I work with amazing parents. In so many different ways these parents give their all to their children. Parents who advocate for their children, educate themselves about transracial and transcultural issues; parents who love their child unconditionally no matter the circumstances. Parents who move to racially diverse areas or school systems so their child does not feel isolated. Parents who hope their child will heal and grow from their developmental trauma in order to live as an adult who can give and receive love.
Don't get me wrong. Sometimes these amazing parents, who are human, come to sessions emotionally drained and physically exhausted. And, sometimes, I see them when they are feeling very angry and disillusioned about their current circumstances at home. Some seem to find enough reserves to gather under them to continue another day. And, some start looking for alternatives to living situations for their traumatized child.
What happens to amazing parents when they become so angry? Family, friends, and strangers who do not understand vicarious trauma or have not experienced it tend to chalk up these angry parents as mean and abusive. These families have reported feeling isolated and misunderstood which fuels the negativity in which they live. All my parents have brought in their child's lifebook to sessions. It is amazing to me the transformation that I see from that first picture of meeting their child and how parents present when I meet them for the first time in my office.
The answer is that vicarious trauma is compassion fatigue. The American Counseling Association describes it as "...the phenomenon generally associated with the 'the cost of caring' for others (Figley, 1982; https://www.counseling.org/docs/trauma-disaster/fact-sheet-9---vicarious-trauma.pdf). The article references trauma counselors working with trauma survivors, but I feel that parents who live with their child's trauma experience compassion fatigue just the same but on the emotional level of a parent who loves their child. Trauma and its residue, not the child, is a joy sapping entity and will try to drain the positives out of the most optimistic person. It steals your bounce or resiliency. A parent who is experiencing vicarious trauma may present as very angry and not receptive of support or company. S/he may also appear to be feeling unsatisfied and carry a negative perception about almost everything. Vicarious trauma also appears as someone who does not appreciate the positives in life or is apathetic. A lot of my parents carry an enormous amount of guilt and helplessness when it comes to parenting their traumatized child.
As a friend or family member, you may feel like you cannot seem to help your loved one feel happy or that you cannot satisfy him/her. It can be easy to throw your hands up in the air and give up on parents who are experiencing vicarious trauma and to blame them for their own misfortune.
Please do not do that. From my parents who have received support and help or turned down offers due to embarrassment, I can tell you how much they appreciate you but may not be able to express it. Keep offering them a break from their job as a parent by taking their kid(s) for a day or taking the parent out for a day. Stay in touch with them as they may not be able to make friends or extended family a priority. Offer to bring them dinner or to help with chores. Give them your time for venting and listen without judgement. If you can, then get them to laugh.
Parents who experience vicarious trauma often fear being judged. They know "I must look like a horrible parent to other people" and will shy away from interacting with others or from receiving support. Most of my parents are worried that their traumatized child will go to a friend's or relative's home and become destructive to property or the adult relationship with that person. Take the time to research Developmental Trauma and ask them about their experiences at home. Avoid saying things like, "Oh, that's normal" or "Lighten up" when hearing about the frustration of home life. Just focus on the emotional pain of your friend or relative and provide support and comfort to the feelings instead of interpreting a story that may feel tedious and petty to you. Remember. Your vicariously traumatized friend lives with trauma 24/7 and it has tinged every aspect of their lives. Their traumatized child's baseline has now become your friend's baseline. Remember that they are doing their best to support their traumatized child and are afraid to lean on anyone for support. Especially remember your friend before the trauma. S/he is still in there.