Attached to Hoarding

I have come across more than a few families with children who hoard in their bedrooms, backpacks, pockets, and lockers at school. Many parents have come into sessions with pics on their tablets or cell phones of their child's hoard. I have seen pictures of dresser drawers filled with gallons of melted ice cream, tree branches in bedrooms, and dirty underwear shoved into any hiding place available. I have heard stories of collections of petrified foods hoarded under beds, melted cookies stuffed into pillow cases, and bags of, well, poo, neatly arranged under beds. Parents become so overwhelmed with the destruction of their home that is hard for them to be creative or compassionate when dealing with hoarding behaviors.

"Hoarding is a disorder that may be present on its own or as a symptom of another disorder. Those most often associated with hoarding are obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and depression." (http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/hoarding-basics). Hoarding is on the continuum of mental health diagnoses for anxiety disorders with obsessive compulsive tendencies. Guess what else is on this anxiety continuum? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Ding Ding!! The unattached children I see at the office have a comorbid diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from their early childhood traumas.

So, doesn't it make sense our kids hoard out of fear of starvation, to keep their 'den' unapproachable and safe from intrusion, and to be invisible? That' be invisible' part is very interesting to me. I couldn't tell you how many kids I have seen who try to disappear within themselves by avoiding asking for help, food, or affection as a way to hide evidence of their existence. If your kid practices at being invisible and having no needs, then look at the hoarding as a way to avoid giving away their presence. No presence, no risk of getting hurt.

Further anecdotal evidence I have gathered which supports hoarding as a survival skill.....ever hear of the show "Hoarders?" I just started watching it. It seems most of the people who are hoarders have had multiple traumas during their life which have led to Depression and Anxiety. For example, one woman told a horrific story of being raped twice, in her own home, by the same unknown man during a 9 month span. She started keeping her home so cluttered that she could not be found makes her feel safe and hidden. Other people have talked about hoarding as a way to cope with losses of very cherished personal relationships or deaths of a spouse, child, or parent. Throwing away their belongings was the same as throwing away their loved one. One sad woman expressed much conflict over throwing away an ashtray with a partially smoked cigarette in it; her husband had smoked that cigarette many, many years ago. The ashtray and cigarette was her tangible and concrete connection to her husband. Throwing away the ashtray and cigarette was like throwing him away. Very sad stuff, indeed.

In order to help our kids learn about their hoarding issues, we need to talk about the hoard and what it means. Be genuinely curious and ask them what it means to them. And, if they have no words, then use your compassionate words to put meaning to it. Like: "You must be very lonely to surround yourself with all this stuff," and "All of this stuff doesn't replace the love we have for you." Be a broken record or water dripping on a rock. Be persistent in your constant focus on the relationship, not the behavior. Be mindful of where your child's heart is buried under all of his or her garbage so as not to trample it accidentally.

In the past some of my parents have used a sense of humor when dealing with their child's hoard. For example, one mom added her own candy wrappers to her child's hoard of candy wrappers she had under her bed. I give her mad respect since dealing with a hoard is extremely difficult. Using her sense of humor helped her to feel a little bit of control over her reaction to a behavior she could not extinguish or consequence.

I know it's hard. The loss of a birth mom leaves a hole in your kid in the shape of that birth mom. It's not a hole an adoptive parent can fill successfully because that hole is not in your shape. This is important to know and believe so you don't internalize the blame and shame of being unable to take this grief from your child. If you can know and believe this most of the time, which is only 51%, by the way, then it is possible to lead your child a little bit closer to happiness.

#ptsd #reactiveattachmentdisorder #adoption #hoarding