Trauma and the Search for the Sense of Self

My brain is a washing machine. Churning through the laundry of existential issues while I complete my activities of daily living. And right now, it is stuck on the wash cycle. Sometimes I wish that I can watch a movie without it triggering an idea or question about developmental trauma. Last night, we watched Frankenstein, written by18 year old Mary Shelley, directed by Guillermo del Toro. The exquisitely detailed gothic movie sets were a fantastic visual feast. The acting was superb and elicited empathy from this viewer. But the star of the show was the Creature as the personification of Victor Frankenstein's shattered sense of self from developmental trauma. Victor had a narcissistic father who was physically absent mostly, but made his presence known with physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Victor's sense of self shattered permanently after his mother died, followed by his father's death and separation from his younger brother. At this point, my brain is in the spin cycle, so please bear with me as we whirl together in this simple analysis of developmental trauma, attachment rupture, and sense of self. Not every situation is this idyllic or easy, but the work is in the progression of healing and acceptance.

Developmental trauma is trauma or neglect that the child experiences from the hands of the primary caregiver. The trauma can be physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. Typically, neglect is understood as not providing for a child's physical needs: food, shelter, clothing. It can also be not providing for the child's medical issues. Emotional neglect is defined as not providing for a child's need for felt safety or connection within the parent-child relationship. Alcohol and drug addiction is what comes to mind when referring to emotional neglect or absence. Other addictions, like, when the parent gambles or prefers toxic relationships fit within the category of emotional absence. And we cannot forget how multiple moves from primary caregivers will impact a child's developing sense of self and worth.

In short, everything that fits under the umbrella of developmental trauma is an attachment rupture that can significantly alter the course of a child's life and development of the sense of self.

As I watched this movie, it struck me how the Creature was sewn together with many different parts of other people from various deaths, and the areas of his body did not match skin tones. Is this what it feels like to experience multiple attachment ruptures from developmental trauma? To have a jumbled memory of losses and wounds sewn into your body and psyche that is hard to decipher much less remember? A checklist of every mistake made, failed meetings of expectations, and rejections? The Creature believed that he was his trauma: "I found what I am. what I'm made from. I am the child of a charnal house. A wreckage, assembled from refuse and discarded dead. I am a monster." This quote guts me as I cannot tell you how many times kids have told me that they believe that they are a monster. The Creature eloquently expressed the reality of his fractured sense of self: "I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend." He talked of his painful isolation, self hatred, and abandonment by his creator as a synonym of himself.

The developing sense of self yearns for a loving eye as the lens for reflection and growth. As children we have to accept what our parents provide us: food, shelter, values, and the parental lens of how we see ourselves becomes the mirror. Unfortunately, Victor Frankenstein's father possessed a harsh and cruel lens of which to view his son. This lens became a mirror for his son and, then, a lens as the Creator for the Creature. Victor was rigid, controlling, and desired to control life and death. He created a Creature that reflected his shattered sense of self; the Creature was sewn from parts of different people and their traumatic experiences. It is important to remember that most adoptees were not placed into the system through a benevolent adoption plan. Your child was seen through a lens. This is an important detail to ponder. Was the lens institutional neglect? Was the lens from the eyes of an addicted birth parent who was absent from the parent-child relationship? We have to process how this experience was absorbed by your child and, most importantly, teach your child to be able to make space for this injury while holding grace and acceptance for themselves. We have to help them to understand that the sense of self is not their trauma or generational curses. The work is not subtraction of what they have experienced or learned about themselves. The real work is how we add to the sense of self by showing up for our adopted children. That we see them through a loving and accepting lens even when they do not see themselves in this manner. Hard work, I know. Trauma is not easy.