The day before Mother's Day

Actually, sometimes it is the entire week or month before Mother's Day starts out rocky for adoptive and birth mothers. I included both mothers because adopted children do have two mothers....and a lot of loyalty issues and conflicted feelings to wade through as Mother's Day nears. This is the time of year when we talk about the day before Mother's Day being Birth Mom's Day. Usually the child or teen will bring up Birth Mom's Day with an increase of negative behavior, withdrawal, or a snarky mood. I always ask, "What's the day before Mother's Day?" Most kids will answer in a low voice, "Birth Mom's Day." Some pretend they have not thought about Mother's Day and Birth Mom's Day for one second while smiling sweetly. But, how is this very special day forgotten when elementary schools are all about making cards for Mom and tv commercials and social media are flooded with messages about Mother's Day?

Those of us not touched by adoption and developmental trauma forget how loaded a special day as Mother's Day can be; how loyalty issues conflict with feelings of belonging and self identity are morphed into a bad mood which escalates quickly into multiple arguments in just a few short hours, leaving both Mom and child feeling horribly. How feelings of discontent and anger well up inside of your child while walking down the card aisle looking for a Mother's Day card for you, at the same time, ruminating about their birth mom, and turning Mom into a metaphorical punching bag. Sounds and feels pretty hectic inside of the heart of a child just trying to belong and not disappoint their Mom or birth Mom. And it feels just as painful to Moms watching their child struggle wordlessly with all of this sadness and loss. Any birth mom in a birth mom support group can tell you that Mother's Day is also a sad day of loss and remorse for them also.

So, how do we help adopted children make sense of feelings of loss they may not have the courage to utter? Some of my families have bought a Mother's Day card for their child's birth mom and stuck it to the fridge alongside their own Mother's Day card. Other families light a special birth Mom's candle for their child. I have heard stories of cards attached to helium balloons and released into the sky. What I find so helpful to the kids is that they have some tangible permission from their families to remember their birth Mom. It is the showing, not the saying that matters.

#adoptionissues #reactiveattachmentdisorder #birthmother