Me, too

Today I opened Facebook to catch up on my newsfeed. I read the many, many brave posts stating "Me, too" from my friends and strangers along with many articles explaining the definitions of sexual abuse and sexual harassment. The trauma of sexual abuse and its lingering after effects are discussed and processed almost daily in my office as it is often intertwined with adoption issues. Sometimes children are removed from their birth family because of child abuse or neglect. Sometimes removal is due to substantiated sexual abuse allegations. Sometimes no disclosures about sexual abuse are made until the family comes to counseling.

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, it is important to understand child sexual abuse is

"A form of child abuse that includes sexual activity with a minor. A child cannot consent to any form of sexual activity, period. When a perpetrator engages with a child this way, they are committing a crime that can have lasting effects on the victim for years. Child sexual abuse does not need to include physical contact between a perpetrator and a child. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)."

When I meet with families it is important that we are all clear about the above definition. Sexual abuse of a child is not a seduction, it is not what children are ready for emotionally or biologically, and it is an abuse with the foundation of betrayal. We also have to be clear about 'normal' child sexual development and curiosity which includes playing doctor or showing one another body parts. And we also have to understand that 'normal' does not always equal appropriate.

As a therapist I believe that anyone who is telling me their story has the right to that story being about themselves and their experience. My role is to listen and to understand the story and the feelings tied to it so that I can validate the child. Without validation the victim sees themselves through a cracked lens of perception; that they were somehow complicit in their own sexual abuse. This distortion can lead the child into feeling like the sexual abuse has become his or her identity and they must act out to fill the role or act out to avoid sexually reactive feelings. Validation gives the victim the right to place the responsibility of abuse on the perpetrator. Validation gives the victim the right to his or her own body. Validation gives the victim the right to choose his or her own identity. Validation gives the victim the right to a healthy future.

Many adoptees have told me that they are afraid to tell their parents about the sexual abuse for fear of being rejected or 'sent back.' They feel like their adoptive parents will feel like they were sold damaged goods and that the child now has to be happy or perfect because they have been adopted. Do those fears need to be validated? Of course these fears need to be heard and respected before your child can be strong enough to tell you their story. As parents, you are an integral part of healing for your child. The processing is initiated during a therapeutic session, but it carries forward into the home and within your relationship with your child. When we see change happening in the home, then we can see healing is taking place.

So, when I read the #metoo posts, I do not see humiliated women and men begging for sympathy. I see strong women and men owning their stories and walking out into the light and away from the secrecy of shame. I see a chance for a dialogue of healing and self awareness for victims and allies. It is a beautiful day when victims can reach out and support one another with only two words and make such an impact on the nation. We all feel less like two dimensional isolated secret keepers and more like multifaceted humans with vibrant lives and futures.

#PTSD #triggers #DevelopmentalTrauma #adoptionissues #metoo