To consequence or not to consequence....part 1

Adoptive families will seek out treatment for their developmentally traumatized child mostly due to feeling overwhelmed and powerless as parents. These families often feel isolated from family and/or friends who do not understand Developmental Trauma and how it is manifested through behaviors. Often parents state they feel like the education and/or court system is blaming them for their child's acting out behaviors. A very common reaction for parents is to clamp down on the child by giving punitive consequences. So, giving an effective consequence for a negative behavior is a hot topic in sessions. Before I talk about effective consequences, I want to talk about Developmental Trauma and how it impacts cause and effect learning.

First we have to look at how cause and effect works. The basis for cause and effect is 'The developing understanding that one event brings about another.' (California Infant/Toddler Learning & Development Foundations). In a healthy environment, a baby will quickly learn that if they want/need to be fed, that crying is the fastest way to bring mommy who will take care of that need. This child's brain will develop a brain capable of developing many branches of options of decisions and will learn from those experiences; a processing center develops to further think about which step is the next best decision to make with possible consequences. Visualize a tree with many branches and a rich root system which grows deeply into the ground for stabilization; now add a tiny platform for a tree house. The root system of the tree is the foundation for things like feelings of having your basic needs met, attachment, trust, etc. The branches are for learning, choices, decisions, and experiences. The tiny platform is the meeting house to look at the branches and to make the best decision possible.

In an unhealthy environment, like an orphanage, the babies lack quality care because of institutional neglect; there is an absence of interaction and nurturing. The strained ratio of adult caregivers to babies negatively impacts the developing brain. The quietest area in the orphanage will be the baby room because the babies quickly learn that their cries bring no one to comfort them (In a Chinese Orphanage ANNE F. THURSTON APRIL 1996 ISSUE The Atlantic). The developmentally traumatized child's brain will 'prune' neural pathways to save growth for pathways designated for survival. Those pathways for survival purposes are long and do not branch off like a root system which affects branch growth. For these children, the 'luxury' of cause and effect learning is unnecessary because it takes away from surviving. The tree in this situation is lacking a deeply rooted root system which affects the health and growth of branches; there is no room or strength to sustain a tiny platform or meeting house to make those decisions or to see options. If you plant a tree, then you have to water it a lot to encourage a deeply rooted root system. If the tree does not have a deep root system, then a hard wind could knock it over.

So, how do parents give effective consequences to a child with Developmental Trauma when they have learned that survival is most important? If cause and effect learning does not work, then should no consequences be given at all? Will parents feel like they are not even parenting the child? First, I have not met a parent who stated they wanted to adopt because they love giving consequences to their child. And I have met plenty of parents who have received messages from well meaning friends and family who tell them to buckle down on their kids with consequences so they will 'fly straight.' Parents have reported that it does not seem to matter to their children if they consequence or do not consequence their child; they just do not seem to learn from their mistakes or from consequences.

If you google parenting and consequences, you will find a slew of parenting self help books. I have reviewed a lot of them and have found parenting with natural and logical consequences seem to work best with kids in general, but especially for kids with Developmental Trauma. Now, mind you, this is not a fad kind of parenting; it takes a lot of thinking ahead for the parent, cultivation of empathy for the child's negative behaviors and not punishing punitively to get the point of compliance across. For example, not giving a second consequence at home when misbehavior occurs elsewhere, like school or the babysitter's. The consequence would need to be delivered from where the misdeed had occurred. At home, the parent reacts with willingness and the air of a consultant to their child to discuss the problem if the child is willing to engage. We do not want your child to shut down and not hear the problem solving techniques they need to learn from you, so compassion is a must for your child who is struggling. A good source for parenting with natural and logical consequences is the parenting series Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The link for their parenting resource site is http://www.loveandlogic.com/parents. They even have podcasts when you feel like multitasking. Connecting with supportive organizations like the Coalition of Adoptive Families (http://www.coalitionofadoptivefamilies.org) in Columbus, OH is helpful because parents will discuss what works with parenting and what does not. If you still need help, then give me a call.

#LindaOrick #ACircleofAttachment #DevelopmentalTrauma #COFAF