To consequence or not to consequence....part 2

In my last blog about consequences and Developmental Trauma, I used a tree as a metaphor for brain development and functioning. A few days later, coincidentally, I finally received a tree I had ordered from an online arbor. I thought I had bought a sapling; nope, I had bought a bare root tree. A bare root tree is a long, slender, dormant tree with a root ball attached to the bottom. It is leafless and seems like it should not live. So, here I am using a tree as a metaphor as we continue our discussion about consequences and Developmental Trauma.

In a child who has not been developmentally traumatized, we see that that child has more options of learned behavior to choose from when faced with a decision to make. Visualize a sapling with little branches and growing leaves; a decision tree, so to speak. For children who have been developmentally traumatized, we see that the brain has decidedly pruned the pathways of learning except for survival mode behaviors. Those children do not have the little platform which can grow into a tree house or hub where there is space to 'stop and think' about doing the next most right thing to do. Impulse control is fragile at best and reactive emotions seem to make all the decisions. Think of one long and slender trunk with the root ball at the bottom without branching or leaves. Information from the roots (past experiences) can only travel up to the end of the trunk which does not have any branches or leaves(output of behavior). When I see dormant saplings like these, I always worry that those baby trees are not going to do well; just as parents worry about their children with Developmental Trauma. Then I notice the stabilizing stick, or supportive parent, to which the sapling is tied and I believe we can get somewhere with growth.

So, how do we use natural and logical consequences to make an impact on learning about mistakes? We want our children to grow up into capable adults, right? Remember the link for Parenting with Love and Logic in the first part of this blog? This parenting series has been invaluable to me as a professional when discussing parenting interventions during sessions. And it is not the particular interventions because all kids and families are not the same and do not live in a textbook world. What I find helpful with parenting with natural and logical consequences is that it places the responsibility of the mistake and the learning onto the child where it belongs.

Lately, I have noticed a lot of helicopter type parenting or micro managing of children where opportunities for learning are removed from the child or the parent rescues the child from the consequence. The worry about how others perceive our parenting is strong. We have to try our best to ignore that feeling because we do know our child best. If the misbehavior or bad choice does not affect the safety of the child or others, then let the child have that learning opportunity. For example, forgetting to take lunch to school or losing a coat. The consequence has to be uncomfortable for the child, not the parent, in order for the child to learn. This allows the parent to take a nurturing and compassionate role when the child complains about the discomfort or awkward feelings about their rash choice or behavior. Or parents can have a positive discussion with their child who managed to solve his or her own problem. Parents can look like the good guys in the eyes of the child instead of the Enforcer of all Consequences. It takes practice to be comfortable with this type of parenting because it does feel like you are letting go of all of the controls in your child's behavior and that you will be judged as a bad parent.

A good example of one of the interventions in Parenting with Love and Logic is how to consequence negative behavior at school. With a kid with Developmental Trauma, this is tricky. Because the behavior occurred at school, not at home. The school should be delivering the consequence while you, the parent, are the comforting confidante. Think about this in terms of having a stressful job. When you have a stressful day with a boss who has reprimanded you, do you expect to be lectured when you come home? I do not have that expectation. I want to be supported. The same is helpful with your child.

When your child comes home from a bad day at school and you have been driven crazy from text messages, emails, and phone calls from the school, you may feel the urge to lecture or consequence your child. But this is when Developmental Trauma comes into play. Remember that transplanted bare root tree with the stabilizing stick and looks like it is not going to make it to spring? Remember that single slender tree without branches or leaves; input of information or stimulus rapidly traveling to output of just survival or control because the tree house does not exist. Your child will wonder why your are punishing him/her when he/she did not do anything to you and you were not at school. This confusion and your anger (input or stimulus) from your already reactive kid will travel to the tip of that trunk(few choices of behaviors geared towards survival) and 'poof' the learning opportunity is gone and your child is in fight or flight mode because he/she will be focused intently upon your anger. And we do not want to make your child's learning opportunity to be about your anger; we want your child to focus on the learning opportunity.

Instead of lecturing or sending your child to her room, how about taking a break before engaging your child about the school problem. Sometimes kids do not want to talk about what happened at school; they just want to be comforted. This is ok because your child is coming to you for comfort and support which is what is needed for a relationship. Remember, you are laying groundwork for a possible conversation in the near future about the school issue. This is how we build a secure relationship with a traumatized child. We want to teach them that their early childhood experiences of trauma and neglect has not followed them into the present day and this is a small opportunity to build a little trust their relationship with you.